Recognize

New thing of today, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. I'm not an alcoholic, but I recognize a need to change.

Yesterday I was telling a story, using a lot of swear words and being unnecessarily long winded. I noticed people wincing at my swear words and I noticed myself unable to be concise. I realized that, I was sort of picking up on a personality trait of someone I spend a lot of time around.

Recently we were talking about how much our office atmosphere has an effect on us. We can't help but be influenced by the people around us. I'm definitely picking up some very bad habits from people I hang out with. It's mainly based on communication styles and how I speak with people. It's a bunch of little things I'm noticing that I finally recognize and am determined to change.

Swearing is one. Not listening very well is another. Being long winded and not getting to the point. Being negative. These are just a few of the traits I'm noticing about myself lately. I'm doing things that are uncharacteristically me. I think it's because, well, I'm spending way more time and proximity with people and they're having a greater influence in my mood, my attitude and my reactions then they should. In general I'm very adaptable which may not be a good trait in this situation.

Instead of berating myself for slowly acting like someone else, I want to have a role model, ideal for something to look up to. Someone classy, elegant with a strong healthy character. Someone I can mold myself after and try to emulate.

I'd like to pick someone with more guts and backbone. I'm not naturally forceful. I'm sort of a easy going "go with the flow" type person. That doesn't always cut it. I need a healthy way to evolve, survive and thrive this oppressing environment.

Sometimes we need to find our own strength and voice, and maybe a little inspiration from someone else can help. Someone with force of personality who fought back when the going got tough. Not necessarily a bitch who likes to pick fights, but someone who, more likely, stood proud and strong when needed.

There are so few women characters and role models out there that can be strong, command respect and yet be feminine. Honestly, I'm having a hard time finding a role model who fits what I'm looking for.

I found that, there aren't very many strong lead female characters in western pop culture. It's quite sad. Most strong female leads are very masculine, or perhaps just hot action stars. There are few women with a lot of grit, character or force of personality. Meryl Streep probably plays the strongest roles. Let's face it, most of our heroes are men. That's just how they're written these days.

The verdict is still out. I don't have one female muse to find my strength of character to follow, but I am open to suggestions - comments! :)

Anyway back to the point, I recognize a problem with my outlook, mannerisms, speech and demeanor. Next step, I am determined to evolve into an emotionally stronger and more positive person. Someone with more confidence, class and moxie. A lady and a tiger. Perhaps I'll just have to be the change I wish to see in the world.

Anyway below are some of the strong female muses I came up with. I know I'm missing some good ones, but alas.

Evey - Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta

Lisbeth Salander - Noomi Rapace in Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Classy - Audrey Hepburn (of course) and Anne Hathoway

- And many more women out there deserving mention but it's late and it's time to sleep.